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A Week when Everything Sucks and I Want to be a Cat!

An effortless, hot, carefree summer? Yes, please! Who doesn’t want that?

One minute after my cold shower, my face is glistering again. Sweat is pouring down my back. 

With temperatures of 30 degrees and even crossing the magical 30, I guess I reached my limit.  These temperatures seem only good and give you the summer vibes you maybe longed for on cold winter days, when you are without worries and without goals you have imposed on yourself. Just be and that’s all. Read books, write, walk, go for dips in the sea nearby, and relax with cold drinks. Or do just nothing! No obligations. Honestly, with these temperatures when all feels like an exertion, it’s all I wish for. Being effortless. Happy-go-lucky kind of woman. I want to throw the phone in the corner. Leave social media. Be a cat. And be free.

People who know me, know that I live a rather free life. Freedom doesn’t mean free of worries. Or free of expectations, or free of the things you said to yourself you have to do (to feel worthy?). 

It’s still impossible to live of air and sun alone. Voor niets gaat de zon op, as a  Dutch expression says. There’s no such thing as a free lunch. And if we want to achieve something, we need to put our efforts in it. Again, I need to find the motivation in myself to continue what I’m doing and to put effort in our Green Gorillas project. It all feels kind of heavy to me. I’m not having the best week. I have felt very low with no zest for life the past week and so tired (menstruation is doing that). But today I am back and start believing again. 

Life is also the low days, the doubts, the sweat, the tears, the failure, the resistance, the negativity, the shitty moods when everything sucks, the realisation that I can’t be like my cat Luna. Better accept it, than fight it. 

Today, I ran into these words of a Dutch woman and life coach, Fenja Ellen (@navigateontrust on Instagram):

“I don’t want to feel like this.

I wish I was in a different place right now.

I wish things were not like this.

The rebellion against “what-is” seemed to be the theme of this week. I saw it in others, I saw it in myself too.

And what I saw is that so much struggle -both internal struggle as well as resistance towards the world outside — comes from the fact that we just do not want to accept things as they are.

Not wanting to feel what you feel.

Not wanting to be where you are.

Not wanting to accept something as it is.

But the funny thing is this. It is only from the starting point of “what-is” that we are able to change our future.

Because the more I push against this moment, the more I hold on to the idea of how things  should be instead of what-is, the less space I give to things to flow in the present moment.

To flow beautifully.

To flow effortlessly.

To flow co-creatively.

Because the first step to get to where I really want to be, is to be with what-is totally. Without concessions, without filter.

I need to accept that doubt. Befriend that fear. Embrace that chaos. Feel that loss. And from there let life unfold. Into the future. Into where I need to be.”

I had to read these words. They hit home.

Con Amor,

Eva 

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