Awake

  


She wanted to be saved

only by herself

because deep down

she knows her way

 

Last Thursday night I couldn’t sleep and felt overwhelmed by that annoying little monster.. again. Every now and then it comes and visits me, preferably at night: doubt that takes over and brings me out of balance. These questions: “Am I on the right track?”; “Did I disappoint my parents by choosing this kind of life on Ibiza, without a satisfying career I studied hard for?”; “What am I doing with my life?”; “Is it meaningful and if not or not enough, do I need to make other choices?”; “Am I happy with my life?”

Probably that feeling of doubt was also triggered by my very good friend who came to visit us with her husband and children. On my birthday she said something like this: “…but don’t you want to do something about these things? … I do.” She referred to the human rights crisis regarding the refugees and immigrants in Europe. My friend feels quite involved by this matter and wants to work with refugees and wants to be a bridge builder between cultures. Very idealistic and I admire her for that. She pointed out that I used to have such ambitions too with my project for Amnesty International a couple of years ago. Of course I know and I still believe it’s very important to have ideals. Later this short conversation made me feel as I’m only living for myself, here in sunny paradise, without any responsibilities and meaning in my life. It honestly gave me a bad feeling. Not only caused by the remark of my friend, it happens occasionally that I feel overwhelmed by this extreme feeling of doubt. But is it true? Am I only living for myself, without having meaning in my life?

Giving up life and work in Amsterdam and moving to Ibiza changed me. I slowly have started perceiving things, that used to be very normal to me, from a different perspective. Things such as work, career, expectations, happiness, success, ambition. Through books I’m reading, the talks with my man and some friends on the island, through more free time I have for contemplation and feeling more connected with nature than in the Netherlands, I am no longer the person I used to be and sometimes that means I feel overwhelmed by doubt. The “safe” status of having a full-time career, more than enough money and meeting expectations of family and friends around you, and let’s not forget, society, used to keep me going. It formed my identity for many years. As soon you don’t have these things anymore you feel lost. It happened to me, especially the first year after we came to live here. Just for the record, now I feel completely at ease with my new identity as an Ibiza-resident 😉

I guess having a meaning in life is important for many of us. It’s also for me. It doesn’t need to be enormous, I believe you can touch someone’s life in a small and significant way. I feel there is music to share at some point in my life. Each day I feel blessed to be part of this beautiful island with my man, but I also realize we live in a kind of “bubble”. A paradise surrounded by an endless blue sea. From our window I look down to it. Protected by the deep blue sea from the bad world out there. Living here gives me that feeling… And I’m thankful for that.

To be continued.

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